Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Burning Question #11

**updated to show my answer (at the bottom)**

It's been a while, welcome back old friend.  Today's topic-

Infidelity... (disclaimer- This is not intended to offend anyone.  This was not asked with anyone in mind.  I just heard a story at work today that got me thinking.  I hope I don't make anyone feel bad with this question.)  This is more of an open discussion than asking what you think is right or wrong... Because obviously cheating on your significant other is not ok.  But I feel like lately I have heard more about people who are cheating or have cheated. (noone close to me, just people I kind of know at work or past acquaintances.) 

Here are a few questions that I would ask you to consider:

  • What do you consider to be cheating? (i.e. texting, emailing, going to lunch, kissing, doing the deed, etc)
  • Do you know of people who have an open marriage, do they have rules?
  • Have you had friends that have cheated on their spouse or vice versa?  Has it affected your relationship with that person or their spouse?
  • Is it a deal-breaker for a marriage? 
  • Anything else you would like to share.
I know people don't like to comment on blogs anymore, DAMN YOU GOOGLE READER!  But please chime in,  I would like to get a discussion going, even if all you have to say it, "Cheating is bad and yes it is a deal-breaker" or whatever you think :)

Thanks and I will share my opinion after I have given you all time to comment.


First of all, thanks to all of you that commented.  I loved reading your input and I appreciate your honesty!

This question can be hard to answer and is probably very different for a lot of people.  For me it is pretty black and white.  I agree with most of the things you guys said too.  First, don't let your mind go there.  If you are imagining and fantasizing about other people and other situations that is your first step of betrayal. 

Second, like was mentioned in the comments, "don't mess with fire".  If you have to stop and say, "Is it ok that I am doing this?" it probably isn't.  Chris and I have mutual friends of the opposite sex that we text and we know we text and there would never be a question that something was going on.  But if it is something you have to hide or would be uncomfortable having your spouse read, then you should cut it out! 

Third, I don't think you need to have sex to consider it cheating.  If you are engaging in a relationship with someone else that is taking away from your marriage and your trust with your spouse, that is cheating. 

For Chris and I, we knew and talked about what would be "deal breakers" going into our marriage.  Cheating was one of them.  I personally know that I couldn't get that sacred trust back that exists between husband and wife.  I would constantly be wondering and stewing and stressing and feeling insecure about whether or not he would do it again.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would NEVER cheat on Chris because I will never let my mind even consider what it would be like to be with someone else.  I made sacred promises to my husband that I take very seriously and will never break.  If I ever had the desire to be with someone else then I would know that there is something seriously wrong with my marriage and that we need to do something to fix it.  I don't believe that people who are in happy and healthy relationships cheat.  There must be a problem or a deficiency in some way for that person to be able to justify stepping out. (whether the other partner is aware of the problem or not, sadly.)

I know of people who have cheated and who have been cheated on and it is such a sad and hurtful thing.  For most people it ends in divorce.  I know a few people who have stuck it out for a while and worked hard to fix it, but it eventually ends.  This is not always the case, but is quite often.  I don't believe that open marriages work or are healthy but I also don't know anyone who is in one so I don't understand the "logic" behind it. 

I think that is all I have to add.  The main thing to remember is if your head and your heart are not giving their all to your relationship then there is a problem.

Thanks again guys and let me know if you ever have ideas for a 'Burning Question", I love getting suggestions.


  1. cheating....well i think cheating definately isnt a deal breaker- i mean we are all human beings and make mistakes (but if it is a continual thing, then thats a different matter!) but what cheating actually is....i think that phone calls and texts are iffy. if you text flirt with someone there is definately a problem and it needs to be nipped in the bud but i dont know if i would consider that cheating. I dont actually know anyone that has cheated on thier spouse (well in my age group!)

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  3. I have pretty strong ideas about what cheating is... it boils down to if your not giving 100% of yourself to your other half then you are cheating them. Maybe not cheating ON them, but you aren't being fair to them and treating them with the respect any human deserves.

    I have had three friends who had open marriages... none lasted more then 15 months after they made the decision.

    Cheating would be a 100% deal breaker for me before marriage. Why marry someone who has already lost your trust?
    After. Well, I've made a very serious eternal promise and... I'd really have to think about it... I'm not sure I have an answer.

  4. I have witnessed some awesome cheating moments in people around me. Some were just e-mails, but explicit e-mails. Totally inappropriate. I felt like this person was having a relationship, albeit emotional and not physical, but a relationship outside of their marriage. To me, it was definitely cheating.

    I think anytime your thoughts and feelings are somewhere other than your significant other, consuming thoughts, you are in a way cheating. I have watched too many people be hurt by affairs and they all started as innocent little flings/e-mails/texts. Don't mess with fire.

    Is it a deal breaker? Maybe, maybe not. Why make a committment if you are just going to break it? Yeah, you may not intend to cheat when you get married, so don't let yourself have wandering thoughts/feelings. I think it being a deal breaker is hard. You lose a lot of trust in that person. I would have a hard time trusting again, not to mention the shame and humility I would feel.

    Anyway, there's my two cents.

  5. Oh, this is near and dear to me right now. I am "not allowed" to be friends with a very close guy friend of mine right now because the baby momma doesn't want him to be friends with me. Hello!! Do ya know me?
    Anyways, I think it all depends on what the intent of the action is. Maybe texting another guy isn't a crime if you're not intending it to be anything other than that. If your spouse knows about texting and they'd rather you not, then you have to respect him. But definitely kissing or anything farther is cheating, and cheating BIG time!
    Along those same lines I think it depends on each situation if it is a deal breaker for the relationship. I personally have trust issues so I know for me it would be a deal breaker.
    My friend is currently up to no good...nothing definite cheating but playing with fire. I still love her dearly. I give my advice to stop every now and then but she is who she is and I can't stop her, but it doesn't make me like her any less. I also really like her husband and it bothers me that after he found out what was going on he knew that I knew. But I didn't know what to do with the information, tell him? So, that is still playing out so who knows how that story will end.

  6. I agree with everything that Ashley said! My thoughts are that what may start out as innocent texting/emailing a friend can lead to something else down the road. It might not, but I wouldn't go there. I had co-workers (boy & girl) who would go out to lunch w/ just the 2 of them and it was totally innocent. Well, they start sharing their marital problems with one another, which lead to spouse bashing, which lead to the sack. I also love your comment about google reader. It made me laugh!

  7. Oooo...this is a good one!
    I used to think that cheating would absolutely be a deal breaker, but now that I'm married and know how stinkin' much I love Jason..I would have a hard time not letting him back in my life even after such a horrible thing. Not to say that I wouldn't feel less than the scum of the earth, cause I definitely would, but I have a different view on forgiveness these days.
    For me, I think anything that looks like it could be cheating should be avoided. Even something as little as getting a ride with the opposite sex bothers me because of what it could look like to other people on the outside..know what I mean? That's obviously not cheating but for me, I'm going to avoid even the appearance of evil.
    I hope and pray I will never have to be in the situation.

  8. I concur with Nichole's comment. I don't really think I can say it any better than she did. :)

  9. I know this isn't answering your question, but How come google reader makes it so people don't comment?

  10. McCall- a lot of people that use google reader just skim through blogs now and don't take the time to click to the actual blog and go the extra step to leave a comment. I know it has made me worse at leaving comments and I have noticed a huge difference on my blog as well :(

  11. McCall- a lot of people that use google reader just skim through blogs now and don't take the time to click to the actual blog and go the extra step to leave a comment. I know it has made me worse at leaving comments and I have noticed a huge difference on my blog as well :(

  12. Hey Dari! Just found your blog. I think it depends on the relationship and also the extent of the cheating. Not always a deal breaker but def to be put on watch. Its easy to speculate on what you would or wouldnt do. I think I would also kick his ass!


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